A wonderful quiet morning just me and cup of coffee, polyvore and twitter at the back, kid asleep still.
I’ve been longing for this kind of morning but have been so so so weak at waking up early thanks to confinement plus having a baby latching on me makes me feel like i have the need to sleep. Hopefully to more mornings like this afterwards.
Getting back on my two feet as my old self after pregnancy and labor is definitely a challenge. Before this whatever I do, the reason was because I am pregnant and recovering from labor. Now, I am more like my old self and taking full advantage on the fact that I am at least 10 kg lighter now. So, i force myself to move and not slum myself into laziness. I no longer dread t he fact that I can’t nap and I appreciate the fact that I sleep better at night even if it’s just 4 hours or less.
Anyhoot, the reason with Polyvore is that I find myself slacking in the dressing up department. Not dressy dressy kind of but just looking good part. Nowadays I simply put on anything that I can find or the same outfit over and over again and i don’t even bother ironing the clothes I put on. This is from someone who believes that it is essential to look presentable anywhere anytime 8 years ago! Last week, what hits me the most was when I remembered my dream of becoming a very stylish mother if ever I am. and yes, I am now a mother but far from being stylish. I would love to try and be the person I was before- dressing up even when it is just street casual. I need to start looking for essentials like denim, shirts and shoes of occasions that can me manipulated variously.
See! waking up early gives me a sense of myself. before turning into a mother in about 1 hour or so. more if i am lucky.
To more polyvore inspirations and blog updates!
Something to do with the kids later on. I can cross off a few already!
After what seems like a forever pregnancy, I have finally given birth to a wonderful baby boy of 3.8 kg at 5 am on th 17th of January, I am recuperating well for a vaginal delivery and this is my labor story before i forgot the details.
you see, this pregnancy seems to take on forever because the baby has no intention to come out earlier or on the due date. No matter how strong my wish was or how much i cried or even how much thinking I put into it. I was very pregnant until the very last day of 40 + 10 duration which is the max a doc can allow you. Anything after that you will have to be induced or forced labor. Gulp.
So, on the lasssst day of pregnancy we really took our time to go and surrender ourselves to the hospital- had decent breakfast with dad and husband, took our time driving slowly to the hospital which was 50 minutes away. By right, I was supposed to be there in the morning but meh, we only got to the hospital by 2 pm. lol. I was in no pain, still making jokes and laughs around. (But I was petrified inside by the thought of having to be forced to give birth since everybody says it is much more painful than the natural birth)
Immediately after checking in to my bed, I had to go through ECG and everything seems okay, no signs of contraction, baby is doing great. So, up next, Vaginal Examination. Thing with VE is that it is the most uncomfortable thing to go through if you have zero opening for labor. I keep telling my doctor at that time I don’t like it but I will cooperate and relax, just bear with me. And she was nice enough to understand the whole panic thing and I actually don’t feel much discomfort! well guess what- that was because I was already dilated by 3 cm! Then comes the good news, the doctor happily informed me that I do not need any pills, just artificial membrane rupture would suffice to expedite my labor. WHICH was the happiest news I can bear that whole pregnancy!
So I went through the rest of the day relaxing and eating, walking around the ward trying to make sure my opening gets bigger or get that contraction going. It was about midnight that I ate some satay delivered by ted and decided to try and get some sleep before the actual battle tomorrow. Well, doctor mention that I will give birth in the morning because the ARM procedure will only be done then, but little did i know it was not 8 am in the morning! I keep monitoring the pain that I consider light because that was how i felt everytime i had it before. Only this time, the apps suddenly said go to the hospital and that was the first since i started using it. So I keep monitoring and realized that the intervals keep getting closer. so I alerted the nurse and they scheduled another VE.
The doctor found out that I am 4 cm dilated and decided to push me to the Labor room pronto. Ted, who was just about to sleep had to suddenly take all my stuff and be on alert. poor guy has been running around the whole day and weren’t able to have real rest.
I remembered it was 2 am in the morning when things got real- pain got more intense by minutes, and I wasn’t sure on how to handle everything despite the fact that that was my second time. 6-7 cm dilated I requested for ted to be in and they allow it but i guess it takes some time for him to come in. At one point I was in the LR alone and during that time the pain was so real i really feel the urge to poop or push. But since there was nobody around- I held it in!
The next thing I know, ted was by my side, the doctors came in, brake my water bag to expedite the process, the midwives came in- suddenly there’s a whole team screaming and shouting telling me what to do. I was tossing and turning from one position to another trying to feel more comfortable but comfort is impossible when a baby is coming out!
This time the labor was 100% natural, no drugs were given, no help to push my belly. I can feel the burning pain as the baby crowns, as they asked me to push. I was not aware of what I am doing, at one point i pushed but stopped so the baby was out and goes back in. I. CAN. FEEL.IT!
Then, I know that I have to do it one last time really hard and get it done and over with. it was surreal, relieving and magical all at the same time. Painful but so so so humbling. I keep telling sorry and thank you to the whole team. Even though they were tough on me but I know, I needed those kind of push. Then they had me cleaned, stitched up and ready for the ward.
Baby A#2 is out!
it was so surreal, when he was put on my chest- Subhanallah.
Around 7 am I was pushed to the ward and by 4 pm I was discharged and on my way home.
Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.
Baby is up! ttyl!
I gotta pour this one out. Hopefully it will give me a sense of relief
I am still pregnant at 40+3 weeks and I am not feeling the greatest right at this very moment.
Today, I have been emotionally weak to the point where I feel like I disappointed many people by not giving birth to this baby,yet. I got angry at my kid, I burst into tears and cried. Like I know I should be in all positivity but today is that one particular day that I crashed and cried. I have done all the things to induce birth naturally, ate things that could make it come naturally, but to my dismay- all I got was Braxton’s.
The fact that I have my dad on standby mode here for almost a week now adds up to the pressure, and having my husband looking clueless about going to work on be on standby mode as well gives me the guilt. My mom texting me for progress on daily basis did not help either. What makes matters worst now is that I don’t have a job to distract myself and all my focus and attention goes to labor- Mind you, this alone is overwhelming. We have prepared everything for the arrival of the baby but the only thing missing is the new kid himself. Day goes by feeling longer, every single tinge of pain gives me hope that it is labor time when it’s not, every single date was thought to be the perfect date for the baby- but nope. False contraction again and again and again.
Day by day I feel like my luck has ran out and the longer I wait, the more difficult this would be. I have been asking people to pray for smooth delivery just because i feel like mine is invalid. Since we find out that baby’s size will be big, I sort of lost hope on a positive labor- doing it in one push,no tearing; suddenly the memories of the first labor came back and it was so traumatic that I blame my husband for putting me into this much pressure and discomfort. I am running low on positive thoughts to the point where I think pregnancy and childbirth is simply an unfair process biased to the women (or maybe just to me) because all the hard work falls on the mother the moment that double lines appears. From that exact moment- women (or just me) sold their life, their personal interest, their freedom to motherhood, and that is a lifetime commitment you can’t refund.
Also, all these negativity somehow tells me that I probably deserve them all because of what I have done, for not being a better muslim, better mom, better wife. The guilt game is strong at this stage. In fact- any pain, any troubles that comes from this point onwards- the only assurance that I can tell myself is that I deserve it, hence I can’t complain about it.
I honestly don’t know how much I can cope with anymore. It’s not like I can quit now- I am so very close to the end of the line. But I know for sure I am not capable of finishing it with a positive mind anymore.
I’m blogging via my husband’s phone simply because:
1- I can’t sleep
2- my phone is charging
3- i tweeted a lot and decided before i pour out more there, why not here
4- i love this iphone’s smooth keypad so much it made me wanna blog mobile. (i usually use our computer to blog)
Well now I am at the last stage of pregnancy and at 36 + weeks, topics started to revolves around labor and birth plan. To be honest we talked mostly but zero execution. we havn’t wash the baby clothes, nor buy any new ones yet or the worst- pack the hospital bag. and the only thing I bought in preparation for this new baby is heavy duty mentsrual pad. i know, priorities, right?
if i have the money i would’ve bought them myself but financially everything is up to ted and his priorities is questionable now but what else can I say. all i can do now is pray that I dont have surprise labor (or least please let us pack a decent hospital bag before anything😭)
i dont really think we need to buy a whole bunch of stuff this time around but the essentials like a cot, baby diapers and ointment and nursing essentials. these, we gotta have because we don’t have any of these now. and a big fridge. but like i mentioned earlier- all we did was talk and no execution. (dont let your man plan, they will remain as plans)
physically- there is not a moment where i dont feel heavy and tired and aching all over but the best i can do now is to take things slow. heartburn came back so I guess i am back to eating plain food. I tweeted about how i forgot how it felt between stomach ache, braxton hicks or contraction and to haven to figure them out on my own is like sitting for a surprise test. trick is- if i got it wrong i may end up with a baby. however, i am also aware that i should not be gentle with my body. this last leg of the pregnancy is all about getting myself ready for labor and staying put will not help me. at some point i gotta walk a LOT, squat a LOT and all those she bang about natural labor inducer. the only reason why i avoid doing all those too much is because i gotta save some energy for my first kid. well, somebody has git to play with him, make food and feed him and you know change his diaper and bath and so on. if i push myself and becomes too tired, who can help me with those especially when the dad is at work?
but- i gotta give credit to my first born. He has been nothing but a supportive kid. giving kisses and hugs when i asked him to, even for his brother. didn’t throw much tantrums when he is just with me, take a nap when i asked him to especially when i told him i am tired and i need to catch a wink. I am very strict with him but he seems to understand that no one else is there to help me so i gotta listen to mommy. i hope when the baby arrives, he will feel overjoyed and ecstayic about having a new play mate! (omg i love these two so much already and the baby is not even here yet!)
i should really try to catch a quick sleep now before husband leaves for work. if not, i will not survive a day out tomorrow with my parents.
(it’s 5.14am now and im starting to feel hungry and most probably can’t sleep but welp, gotta try!)
I’ve been tweeting a lot lately and I realized that one thought can easily become a thread which is personally annoying. So, today let me just try to convert that into a blog post instead.
Last week I was scrolling through my old blogs and learnt that I was a very cheerful person, so hip and driven be in things that I do or things that I wore. I inspire to be my old self. Only current- with a child ( soon children) and a husband instead of a boyfriend back then.
For some time I realize that My life was full of self pity- like I thought I should be doing so much more instead of this life that I have chosen- being married and suddenly fallen into this loophole of motherhood. But little did I realize that this is actually what I really want to do. I always imagine my life to be more grandeur than this- a great job that pays good salary, travel to places that I want when I want, having road trips, buy things that I want, go to fancy places. And Allah has been so merciful- He actually grants everything that I wanted without even me realizing it. It hits me when we were on our way back to our previous place and passing by my workplace. then suddenly it hits me and I told my husband ” You want to know something funny? I have once prayed that one day I want to work here because simply this place looks so chic and look at where I am now” My husband can only laugh at how childish my reasoning but that moment made me realize that wow, I really got what I wanted.
Not only that I realized that but I was slapped but the cruel reality of what I wanted may not be good for me. I really want to work there and imagine that I’ll be having a city life with my own family but in wanting that I’ve lost my inner peace. I was constantly worried, unhappy and in my mind there’s always something that bugs me.
Then I moved here- to this small town, with barely a McDonald and a newly opened Subway outlet and a KFC drive-thru, finding myself happy with the smallest thing and how my mind is very calm and peaceful. Even though I may not be able to earn my money for now, but living a simple life is just enough. I find comfort in cooking and prepping meals for my small family and occasionally spend some time with husband away from home. Before this I was stressed out with the idea of trying to earn on my own while I am here but it gave me so much pressure. So, this time I decided that i want to just live one day at a time, curb my desire to buy things and just enjoy the company of my son and husband and baby. One day if Allah say that I am ready for a career that I will embrace that. I am even open to the idea of pursuing my study. But for now, a wife and a mother are my job titles.
So no more self pity this time around. Focus on positive energy that surrounds my life. I may not have much now but I got all that I need. That is all that matters.