Rockabye Baby 

   

Last week we found out that we’ve lost our second baby. After only 7 weeks with us. 

The day we went to the doctor- I was quiet and was not in the mood to talk to anyone. Mostly because I regret not doing the best that I could to make sure baby is safe. In a way I feel as if I have disappointed Him. 

Throughout the day- I couldn’t help but feel angry at my husband and my in laws. From the beginning of the pregnancy we have to travel a lot despite me being against it. And my anger towards ted is because I feel like I wasn’t taken care of carefully despite going through bleeding since week 4. I also think that him smoking in the house is one of the reason this miscarriage happened.

Our circumstances may not be too good for another pregnancy as I can see the non-acceptance from everyone from my mother to my in laws. To be hinest the only people excited about this one are my sisters in law because they want to see cute babies again😂


Dear Baby, 

Mommy is so sorry for not doing the best that I could to have you grow well. If you are waiting for us in Heaven- please pray that we can be the best parents for your brother and siblings in the future so that we can all reunite happily later. I love you no matter what. 
Xoxo

Sunken In

I have always believe in myself to be able to adapt to any situations even when it is outside my comfort zone. I survived a week camping in the jungle with no proper shower! So I must be pretty tough. I’ve been living with everything provided, everything earned and now surviving with what ever we got. The latest challenge is to live with nothing. And I must say it is not easy at all. 

At first having faith about how I can go through this is possible but day by day- losing every bit of hope that I got- lost the baby, the chance of working in a new field ; but the hardest of them all is the financial stability. 

I have never been so lifeless- before this i make sure that I would hve some money if not a lot. I would save up, set aside to things that I want to use them for and even work to earn. That was until I completed my contract last year and ever since- I have no control over something I called my money. 

And having no financial stability is the hardest mind battles that I have to go through. To fight every single thought that requires money is just so tiring. Even more tiring when your partner just doesn’t see it. There’s a little regret in the back of my heart and anger but what good does that make? It definitely doesnt make me feel any better so i’ll just them where they belong. I dont want to nirture those thoughts. 
Today. Tonight- i feel like there is no longer hope in me getting my own stability. I foresee my life living with a guy who doesn’t even put up my rights as his priority and i have chosen that guy. Some people married great giys, well i guess i am not those people. I am tired and torn. 

I always feel like i deserve so much more but day by day im losing one by one. Maybe a great life is not meant for me afterall. 

Ode to Number 2

Baby, are you still there?

Or have you sailed away?

I know this might sound a little off but to be honest I’m not sure myself how to react to this. 

You came when we are in the midst of financial calamity and we took it as a great sign that great things are ahead of us. 

But baby, you gave us signals that we are not ready. You warned us that we are pushing this. And everyday those signals makes me wonder if any of us are ready for this. 

You’ve warned us. You strong baby. And as of tonight i feel odd. And the strong signs that came out- i will prepare myself for anything tomorrow- come what may. 
If you are here to stay- stay strong baby.

But if you have to let go- I am so sorry for not being able to take good care of you as of now. 

Come back when we are all better okay? 
P/s: tonight I bleed the most theough this second pregnancy and after yesterday’s road travel- I don’t feel too good. 

That Night In the ER

  
A little update on the pregnancy department.
So far I don’t feel like I’m pregnant and pretty much felt normal. However, I’ve been experiencing some spotting and the latest- bleeding. We traveled a lot this month and I guess it is taking a toll on my body. So after the bleeding comes wothfeq lumps of blood out we got worried and head over to the clinic which tha doc suspects that the sack is no longer there. So she referred us to the hospital pronto. 

Long story cut short- i am still pregnant but with monitoring. 

What I had is called threat miscarriage where basically the baby is giving out warnings the the body’s condition is too weak for it to stay or something like that. What a fighter I’m telling you. 

So now back home trying my best not to do a lot because ever since the hosital the bleeding haven’t stopped  since. 

To be honest I don’t know how to feel now. Like i don’t want to get my hopes high but also at the same time i believe that with the pregnancy news comes better news too. And these series of bleeding just makes me feel like I’m having my period instead of a baby(or more- i swear it is sooo different from baby A, i think im carrying twins 😑) 

I’m just gonna wing it now. If it is meant for us now insyaAllah it(they) will be there.
Smooch(es)

Sending Off 

  
That is my youngest sister. It is easier to refer to Ted’s sibling as sister as compared to sister in law. She recently got accepted into a what can be considered as a good school and we had to send her off on behalf of my MIL. Being in the environment, looking at all the potential successful people just gives me the feeling of I want to be part of the success, part of victory.

My life now is so mellow that I am super relaxed, not in the rush for anything, not even hustled by anyone- and I love it because I am calmer and more peaceful. But that school just reminds me of who I was before- a driven girl who would do just anything that I justifies good. That girl who would apply for jobs just because staying home over a semester break is a waste of time, that girl who would apply for jobs right ahead of everybody even when she haven’t even graduate, that girl who scores every single interview and landed jobs just because she’s confident and doesn’t give a hoot about what people think of her, that girl who can rock any outfit for as long as she fel comfortable in it. That girl who can carry herself well in any situation.

That girl is married now and a mother to a wonderful cheeky son whom I can see inherits that girls attributes. Where is that girl now? Not so sure but I sure do miss her. At times like this it makes me wonder if I had made the right decision to not take that government teaching job, or that position at that Uni and whether fighting for a job that I am no longer in was truly worth it or otherwise. 

And at times like this, it is a challenge to keep telling myself that there must be a reason why Allah puts me here- right in this position. Even when things got a little rough- i’d wish for things to be fast forwarded to where I have a job and that both of us going stable. I don’t know man. That school gives me so much empowerment i feel like submitting my resume to the principle tomorrow and who knows suddenly they say there’s an opening😂