So I was scrolling pinterest for some ideas on my next workstation at home.
You read that right. ok a little recap of what I have to deal with now.
- I am currently pregnant and I think I am going through my 5th month ( I have no idea how many weeks because check ups have been out of considerations for this baby and all \i can do is pray that he is well and healthy inside)
- Husband is now working in a different state and and I am left to deal with the house and toddler alone.
- I am also working now.
- I have fainted once due to lethargy.
- I rarely cook now because I barely have any energy left once I got back home. And went to bed as early as 9 nowadays.
- Living my daily life counting days to friday because husband will be back then.
so that is about it. I am happy at my workplace- i get to earn, I get to socialize, my colleagues are not crazy people like last time. The only complaint that I have for this job is that have to sometimes leave the office for field work. Which i despise the most because simple – I GOT NO ENERGY. ( This baby sucks out the energy in me like no one else and phew,I just hope it grows well, never mind me being tired whatsoever,as long as you’re doing good inside it’s okay)
Then, Life took an unexpected turn. Husband finally got a permanent job at a very stable company but the trick here is that it is in a different state. Which leaves me here ( an hour and half away alone with a toddler, and pregnant. Oh and working). Initially I thought we can do this, until I got too tired and fainted. And then I realized that what is the point of staying here when my husband is away and what exactly am I doing in this state? At some point, i hated myself for being too positive about what is happening in my life right now because in the end I am the only one having to deal with the hardship.
So we discussed about the possibility of building our lives back in the previous state. I have mixed feelings about this.
- I am happy because I get to live with my husband again and that my kid(s) will be a able to see their dad everyday.
- The last time I lived there I am better spiritually so yes, I definitely look forward to that.
- The fact that I get to focus on my kid and not having to report or contemplate between my job or my kid is just a mental freedom. This would be very very important when the new baby arrives.
- I hate the fact that I might not be able to earn anymore. Earning gives me a sense of freedom- to help my husband, to do things I want or simply buy things I want. When I became independent to my husband- at some point you’ll feel like it is easy because all you have to do is ask your husband if you want to buy anything. But to a certain extent- you just want to earn on your own.
- I really like the current house that we live in now. It is complete to the point where I don’t have to think about buying other things for the house. Shifting ( for one last time) may not gave me the same feeling as most houses in the state would probably be not-furnished.
Can we just fast forward to the time where I can be at peace with all these thoughts and my husband stays with us, i get to cook for him everyday, play with my kids without guilt. and earn my own money!
All these thoughts are slowly killing my modjo. Like what exactly does God wants me to do? my mom always told me that a wife’s place is always by her husband. But she also told me to find a replacement job before shifting. The thing is:
- I can only quit after my maternity leave next year
- husband told me that I can only look for a job after the second baby is around 7 months.
So, what do I do now?
All I can think of now is…
- be pregnant and healthy until mid December- then take unpaid leave for nesting period.
- Survive the fact that husband will not be able to be there for me all the time.
- I have so far figured out the laundry and the trash schedule without having to drain my energy on daily basis.
- I HAVE TO figure out the cooking part because buying meals is EXPENSIVE!
Seriously man, if it wasn’t because of the money I would have quit this moment and go stay with my husband instead of going through all these hassle. it is soooo freakin’ tiring. I cannot say that enough. so back to why I was scrolling the office pictures? because I need to have my own space at the new place where I can probably set up the computer nicely, blog just to keep me sane. Things like that.