it is easy to feel love when you have something to fall back to;

a ring on your finger

a wedding album

an old invitation card

anniversary gifts

or many other forms of appreciation from one another.

try having none and still have to believe that everyday, your spouse love you more day by day.

as of today, i have none with me, my body has grown out of shape thanks to pregnancy, my youth has fade, my positivity submerged by vigilance, my spirit has outgrown its belief

and yet, I have to convince myself of how my husband loves me more day by day.

it is not a surprise if i feel like

im a maid instead of a wife,

im a nanny instead of a mother

also my thoughts;

perhaps he’ll love me closer if i have money. or slimmer. or less edgy.

because now, i am being pushed from so many directions to work, to make money, to slim down and to get back up.

since marriage, i have put others first instead of my own, and when turned into a mother, there is no more “me”.

so now,feeling like crap, what can i fall back onto? looked at my fingers i got no ring, to look at photos i have none, to appreciate gifts tht i don’t have is difficult.

everytime i feel crappy, i look at my kids and thank Allah for allowing me to feel such love. my heart could burst for the love i have for them. for my husband not so much now. alah, he is the same too. no more holding hands walking, no more good morning/night kisses, no more hugs,gifts or surprises. no more nice words when together. my heart can beat just fine for him but for my kids, it’ll burst for the love i have for them.

thank you Allah.

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Post Travel Blues

just came back from traveling to a different state with my husband and trust me, I look forward to this trip for more than a month. Then my sister in law came and live with us, which makes me feel not so excited about traveling anymore. Prior to this trip I have to prep frozen meals for her and decided that I’d bring the meals too so that I can help my husband save some money on food. To be honest, I look forward to eating out on this trip since there were so many things that I miss!

So,there I go, prepping meals, packing and planning- it was all so so tiring for me. Here is what makes me lost joy in the plan. I had to make sure that we got everything and it wasn’t a team effort. By the time we checked in to our apartment, I was so tired and my emotions are drained, I have no feels for whatever.

And the feeling kept on going for the rest of the duration when we were there. I couldn’t be bothered with whatever my husband wanted to do because apparently none of them included celebrating me- his wife. It was all about the kids. You see, as a housewife who stays in most of the time, traveling is a big deal and it is almost like an escapism for me from my endless duties. I even cancelled meeting feifrie because i figured this time,the trip should be for us since we no longer have privacy at home.

Now get this. I understand that this is not exactly a holiday, I was tagging along with my husband who attended a course, so anything related to the course falls number one, and everything else has to go after that. Which means i have to make sure that he is well rested so that he can join the course fully energized. Which also means no pointless drive out at night just because I miss the city or a random trip to a local naan shop. During the day, I’d be stuck in the room entertaining the kids mking sure that they are well fed, well rested and basically have fun even in the room. Why not go out by myself with the kids? well, I am not independent financially nor strength wise. so, scratch that.

i think i did well on this trip- planning ahead helps keep my sanity of being locked up in the room the whole day. bought many toys to keep kids occupied, and packed frozen food to save money. I’d give myself a pat on my head for trying so hard. Even when nobody acknowledge that not even my husband.

drawing towards the last day there, I still look forward to family activities but nay. I consider the MRT ride one and that was because none of us were on our phones and I can really see the kids being happy with us. But that was it. I keep dreadingand delaying the time to go back because it sucks to go home and be a mommy to everyone- having to cook and clean after everyone- having to make sure everything is ready all the time, and having no time for myself or even time to have a decent, let alone romantic convos or gestures with husband- having to put on my “maid” uniform back again and planning on meals and cleaning up the kitchen. urghh. dread.

i guess what kills about this trip was that none of what I want to do matters. hence the thought of all of those was just so tiring. perhaps next time I don’t want to tag along. saves a lot of time, energy on my end. and husband gets to have peace all he wanted(not that i don’t need it myself but kids are attached to moms no matter what)

so back home now with the blues from traveling, none of my feelings matters, and so so so not in the mood to do anything. im just so tired of being a mommymaid. and well, judging by my husband’s reaction- I don’t deserve to feel tired or unhappy or whatever.

so yeah.

 

be right back. will travel when kids rea in college.

Be Fit Day 1: Road TO 60

So today I decided to start exercising. It is not easy to take the leap. I have been gaining weight since my second year of uni and I gotta say that the only thing that is saving me is my height and the craziest part is that I still have this mental image of me being 55kg and it is not helpful.  But this year, post Eid, I started to have a different image altogether, after feeling so round, looking at myself, no matter how many different angles I try to manipulate- I am fat. That is it. I said it.

So, no more. I have got to shed some of these weights.

So today I finally jumped onto the wagon of exercising and man, i almost dieded.

hahaha

I mean it’s only day 1 and I have yet to think of giving up. In fact, I feel kind of happy to finally exercise a little. I don’t exactly have an aim on this apart from getting a little fit. Until my husband asks what exactly is my goal.

realizing I need a goal to keep myself going, why not 60. My Ideal weight. and also my weight pre-babies and pre-marriage!

Other people may have a solid plan to achieve that but mine would be very simple and straight forward.

  1. Cut portions of my meal.
  2. Cut my sugary intake
  3. No meal past 7 and if I have to eat greens or baby carrots.
  4. 2 session of 30 minutes work out; one in the morning and a run/jog in the evening.
  5. weighing only once a week.
  6. Maintain this routine for two weeks, everyday, just so that I can get used to it as routine.

That is all I can think of as of now. I hope these can give me some result. I won’t lie that I am also intimidated to buy those weight loss supplements but I think I still have a little self control. Good God please let me have the mental strength not to jump into that option.

 

So, workout day 1- for now- SUCCESS!

Hopefully tomorrow I can stand stronger. InsyaAllah.

 

 

xoxo

Thoughts On Post Ramadhan

Alhamdulillah. we survived another year of Ramadhan. It gets a little bit challenging towards the end but I think we did better than the years before and every year, InsyaAllah, I hope we can do so so so much better.

What’s exciting for us this time around is that the Eid spirit is much better than the previous years, I mean I have always been so excited about it but Ted, not so much. This year he goes all the way with the preparation and making sure that we all color coordinated and that every effort must go on photos so yeay to memories this year! I’m not sure if it’s having two kids or we are doing a little better now but for whatever reason that is I thank Allah, I mean, I couldn’t thank Allah enough for this blessings.

Post Ramadhan feels like I have a lot to achieve and so many things to cross off.  I wanna blog tonight just to make sure that I remember them and at least have some effort to complete them

  1. Exercising – aahh this department has been long overdue and the images of me in my huge outfits pushes the idea of letting onto the treadmill more and more by day. I’m planning to hit the button every morning or at least by 6 pm everyday for at least 30 minutes. no, scratch that. I can do aerobics in the morning and run in the evening after everyone is home. I have to, mainly because I now feel heavy and the fact that my clothes are hideous. ew. I need to look good even when Im not working. I need to make myself look better because it’ll reflect on my partner too and my partner has been looking the same for years, I on the other hand, keep getting bigger. sheesh. I need to start slowly. NEED!
  2. Prayer – There are so many things to pray and ask God for and yet we only have 5 times a day, what a waste if I don’t use up all those chances everyday to that. I have so many things to ask Allah for favor, I mean, I can do zilch if it is up to me alone! I must be crazy for not praying harder.
  3. Eating healthy – I think this department is a small push for me and ted because of his sugar. I am still lenient now because of Eid but come monday I’d want all of us to start eating healthy portions and cutting sugar slowly. But sweet dear, we have so many sweet things in the fridge now!

That is all I can think of now, basically post Ramadhan is all about looking good, feeling better and living a healthier lifestyle.

 

p/s: also, I want to buy a minimal gold ring this month. unexpected but I want! it is a small band that I saw a lady wore at a rest stop and i fell in love with the simplicity of it. Without a ring I definitely feel less married. I miss my wedding band.

 

xoxo

Day xx of No TV

So, some time around last week our TV broke due to lightning strike and that was the last we watched something on screen at home. Kids and me are having some sort of withdrawal from no screen time (yep, me included) as TV has been a big part of our daily lives and secretly the TV has been the escapism for me to distract the kids especially when I have something to do. Pretty much our daily routine starts from switching on  TV. Even my first born knew this. (it’s bad I know)

So when we have no TV I have this mixed feelings about it. Partially because now the attention would be on actual communication in the house but the other half was HOW BORED WE WOULD BE!

I can’t blame anyone for this, perhaps this is good for us.  The TV has been the center of our lives for so long and even my eldest son started to see the same thing- that it is part of his daily routine. However, I could be the only one realizing the good side of this and trying to make this good is even harder. I want to be able to communicate as a family unit all together and not just me alone. I can see that now without the TV my son would sooner or later start reading soon but he has yet a proper mini library of his own and that his toys still overshadows his books ( they’re all on the floor btw) and as for me engaging to them even more. For my husband, he has found an escapsm- a mobile game on his phone and I curse the human being who created that, because now all he do is looking at his phone( seriously, I’m this close to snatching the phone, delete the apps and if must- throw the phone away) Don’t get me wrong, he still listens to my ramblings and responds but it’s lacking in eye contact and body language and all.

So, do we need the TV back? perhaps the need is different to everyone in the house…

Me: nope, I can totally live without it. Provided if I have humans to talk to.

Akhdan: Not really. He plays with his toys more, and engaging in conversations more.

Ted: definitely. OMG that guy without the TV, he is so clueless coming back from work. in fact writing this down makes me realize that the TV is part of his go-to thing coming home .

” I just want to come home, relax, watch TV with my family after a crazy day at work”

That was his exact word.

 

OK, maybe we needed the TV back. anyone can sponsor me? Probably 43 inch? LED? and oh, Smart TV? he he he

 

Update: we got a new TV partally sponsored by an anonymous donor. live resumes as per normal. Except that I tend to binge watch netflix now. sheesh.

 

 

Creating a Meaningful Routine

“When doing something, make sure to put 100% of your heart to it”

 

It is easier to be 100% when you are working because obviously the aim is what has been set up by the company or your boss. Being a housewife, my daily Key Performance Index is pretty simple- get the kids fed and bathed, get food on the table, make sure things are in order and by 5 pm, I still have my sanity with me, and repeat that with utmost positivity towards the end of the week. It may not promise me a sane mind on some days but generally, I feel content with what I have to do now.

However, being a mom is not all about you and you alone. Most of the time it is more about your kids than you. You have or rather, naturally will put your kids first in everything even when you are in dire need of a new pair of shoes but your kids lack of long pants comes first to mind. Like I said, naturally.

So everyday, generally those are the things that I have to do until my husband came home and to the kids, that’s when all the fun starts. At some point they want to have fun with mommy too but mommy is just too occupied with her list, forgetting that the kids are dying to do something suitable for their age.

It is a constant challenge for me to come up with activities for my kid(s). It used to be with just Akhdan, but now, Asyir too. It’s a little tricky with Akhdan because everything is the first with him and with Asyir I just repeat whatever that is successful with her older brother, ditching the unsuccessful ones ( yeah, we’re never gonna do that sensory bins with pasta and green beans ever!).  make it a point to make sure the kids have their own routine. That is the lesson learnt the hard way with Akhdan where we do things according to his signs but babies know zilch! So this time on, I decide what you guys have to do.

That includes a regular routine of bath after waking up in the morning ( I want them to be ready straight away and not roam around the house with their dirty diaper), breakfast and milk, nap for baby while brother gets a little dance time and mommy gets her doctor’s dose ( i am hooked on Grey’s Anatomy nowadays). While baby is asleep, it’s time for lunch prep and feed, pump and a little rest before the rumble towards the evening where baby and brother gets a little bored. Around dinner time they’ll both get their bath and then gets to play with their dad before bed. Those are generally what we do on daily basis.

Of course I can’t deny the fact that brother now gets restless for not having anything to be done and his brain is absorbing so many things it is a waste for me not to put it to good use- ie learning and memorizing. So, i make sure that he is interested in books and arts now just to fill up his time and keep him occupied. The other day he watched a birthday scene where a crowd sings the birthday song and he can copy  the whole scene and sang the song even though he only watches it once! Imagine what he can learn with that kind of attention!

I am constantly trying and exploring new things for him to do that would cost me minimal mess and money and there are so so many things that can be done. I am excited for this!

 

we’ll see how it goes.

 

xoxo