Sunken In

I have always believe in myself to be able to adapt to any situations even when it is outside my comfort zone. I survived a week camping in the jungle with no proper shower! So I must be pretty tough. I’ve been living with everything provided, everything earned and now surviving with what ever we got. The latest challenge is to live with nothing. And I must say it is not easy at all. 

At first having faith about how I can go through this is possible but day by day- losing every bit of hope that I got- lost the baby, the chance of working in a new field ; but the hardest of them all is the financial stability. 

I have never been so lifeless- before this i make sure that I would hve some money if not a lot. I would save up, set aside to things that I want to use them for and even work to earn. That was until I completed my contract last year and ever since- I have no control over something I called my money. 

And having no financial stability is the hardest mind battles that I have to go through. To fight every single thought that requires money is just so tiring. Even more tiring when your partner just doesn’t see it. There’s a little regret in the back of my heart and anger but what good does that make? It definitely doesnt make me feel any better so i’ll just them where they belong. I dont want to nirture those thoughts. 
Today. Tonight- i feel like there is no longer hope in me getting my own stability. I foresee my life living with a guy who doesn’t even put up my rights as his priority and i have chosen that guy. Some people married great giys, well i guess i am not those people. I am tired and torn. 

I always feel like i deserve so much more but day by day im losing one by one. Maybe a great life is not meant for me afterall. 

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