The Hardest Hit: Reflection

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my work force was…

Year 2015 has been a blessing so far and coming to the end of this wonderful year, I refuse to see the remaining months in a different light. 23rd November was the day when I got the hardest hit this year- I’ll b laid off from work after the completion of my contract in January.

I cried.

I’m not quiet sure why but pretty sure that is one of the things you do when you get laid off from work.

So I called a bunch of people believing that I needed some consoling- I have commitments every month and the fact that I have a baby freaks me out even more. So I cried.

After a good 45 minutes of crying and sobbing in the car (pathetic, I know) I told myself this is pointless. I mean, it’s not like I’ll be getting a job offer or that my tears are worth RM100 per drop and that by me crying I’ll earn. It is pointless to cry. So, I stopped.

Husband: You are crying because you are afraid about the money issue.

Mother: Cry if you want but don’t take too long- move on to the next adventure.

Sister: There must be something about that job that God knows it’s not good for you. You can’t see it now, maybe later.

Ena: I’ve known you for quiet some time and you’re a pretty good English teacher.

Nadia (sil): Maybe God has a bigger and better plan for you next year.

 

These are the things that the closest people told me and I am definitely thankful. Truth is, I have to console myself in this circumstances. Before I leave the house to see my boss, I pray that God give me strength to face this news as I was kind of expecting it. Alhamdulillah for this Ya Rabb.

Funny thing is that I can’t even be angry at the situation. Mostly because I KNOW that I have not performed my best at work throughout the year- I was sick and referred to the hospital, shifting lifestyles, husband moved to a different state. After couple of hours instead of feeling devastated like I was in the beginning, I felt RELIEVED.

It’s weird.

I guess some part of me knows for sure that I no longer fit into the system and that I was just trying so hard to please the people that can’t even be trusted(trust me, my own colleague trying to pull me down by being mice and then stab me on my back while smiling to me). The fact that I felt bored doing my job could also be a sign that I am not enjoying the work that I’m doing. Prior to my commitment, I suck up to all these signals and go on nevertheless. Little did I know that I have become a different person altogether due to that.

My work ethics were also questionable. I hate that I came  to work on time rather than being the early bird like I was before. As much as I enjoyed teaching the kids there, I find myself uninspired by my colleagues which to me is sad. I didn’t even have the  urge to dress up, show up. Generally everything that I had done was because I have to do it not because I WANT to do it. My motivation went down the drain. I was constantly afraid of my lady boss whom I think is a great person but not exactly the kind of boss that you’d want. Or at least I’d want. About the job- despite the fact that I live 5 minutes away from work and that my house is rent free- I am not free. I am constantly worried about my job which is tiring and could have affected Baby A in so many ways.

Now let me be clear, I am writing this down not to parade on my failure in this job- I wasn’t even this person before. I was the first to arrive (switched on the lights and all) and the last to leave(somebody has got to switch them lights back), never late to any meetings nor classes. I am writing this as a reminder for myself that This too, is part of my journey- part of the things that I learned all these while. By acknowledging my mistakes I know where and what I did wrong and so I can improve on that. These 2 and half years in this institution gave me so much that I could have asked for and I am truly grateful for that. I was single, I got married, I got pregnant, I become a mother- in that order and all of these will be my fond memories while working there. I may/may not write about this place again in the future, I don’t know but one thing for sure is that this is a chunk of my life that I’ll miss.

Next adventure is still undecided- Do I apply for a different job? Can I just stick to being a home maker? Do I venture into business and take the risk? (I love the idea of becoming my own boss!)- We have yet to decide on that. If I am going back into academic, I know what I’ll be looking for in my next job- supportive environment, potentially good career development and inspiring people to be around with. On the other hand- I am excited with the thought that what if I do my business since I have been interested in that for some time. I guess, the biggest challenge now is that how do I make sure I can earn as much as I did or even more than before? One has to move forward and up in life kan?

Pray for my journey- I expect it to be a little bumpy but I hope I can handle it. Besides, God won;t give us things we can’t handle, so yass!

 

xoxo, smooch

ND

 

 

 

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