I’ve been tweeting a lot lately and I realized that one thought can easily become a thread which is personally annoying. So, today let me just try to convert that into a blog post instead.
Last week I was scrolling through my old blogs and learnt that I was a very cheerful person, so hip and driven be in things that I do or things that I wore. I inspire to be my old self. Only current- with a child ( soon children) and a husband instead of a boyfriend back then.
For some time I realize that My life was full of self pity- like I thought I should be doing so much more instead of this life that I have chosen- being married and suddenly fallen into this loophole of motherhood. But little did I realize that this is actually what I really want to do. I always imagine my life to be more grandeur than this- a great job that pays good salary, travel to places that I want when I want, having road trips, buy things that I want, go to fancy places. And Allah has been so merciful- He actually grants everything that I wanted without even me realizing it. It hits me when we were on our way back to our previous place and passing by my workplace. then suddenly it hits me and I told my husband ” You want to know something funny? I have once prayed that one day I want to work here because simply this place looks so chic and look at where I am now” My husband can only laugh at how childish my reasoning but that moment made me realize that wow, I really got what I wanted.
Not only that I realized that but I was slapped but the cruel reality of what I wanted may not be good for me. I really want to work there and imagine that I’ll be having a city life with my own family but in wanting that I’ve lost my inner peace. I was constantly worried, unhappy and in my mind there’s always something that bugs me.
Then I moved here- to this small town, with barely a McDonald and a newly opened Subway outlet and a KFC drive-thru, finding myself happy with the smallest thing and how my mind is very calm and peaceful. Even though I may not be able to earn my money for now, but living a simple life is just enough. I find comfort in cooking and prepping meals for my small family and occasionally spend some time with husband away from home. Before this I was stressed out with the idea of trying to earn on my own while I am here but it gave me so much pressure. So, this time I decided that i want to just live one day at a time, curb my desire to buy things and just enjoy the company of my son and husband and baby. One day if Allah say that I am ready for a career that I will embrace that. I am even open to the idea of pursuing my study. But for now, a wife and a mother are my job titles.
So no more self pity this time around. Focus on positive energy that surrounds my life. I may not have much now but I got all that I need. That is all that matters.
I woke up early today just in the mood for whipping up some breakfast ( made Glutinous rice, with coconut and sour fish- very traditional) and since the weather is so cool and everyone else is still sleeping, I decided to so some writing. But I couldn’t think of anything to write about.
It has been three weeks since we moved in to the new place and I loooooveeee how things are looking at now. Not gonna lie, I am starting to love my new role and slowly adjusting to the idea that I will be a stay at home month for at least the next 6 months. I don’t want to think much aboutnot having my own salary or money issue, because here, such things are petty, the most important thing of all is that I am safe, baby is healthy, my pregnancy is smooth until delivery and post partum care, Baby A gets to be with his dad everyday- that should be good enough.
Everyday, Ted tries his best to make the place more homely and that I am comfortable at home- we got our cable TV back so that is good enough for me- I get to watch cooking shows. We are in the process of getting our high speed internet in, which hopefully will be a game changer in our lives. (and more blogging for me please)
So far, settling down here has been good- on daily basis I cook and care for Baby A. Getting ample rest for myself. I like the fact that I am cooking a proper meal for the family and even make dessert. Day by day I realize how these all makes me feel content. (If i get some extra money for shopping my life is perfect ;))
Right now, the house, the move is settled, up on our agenda is getting ready for Baby #2.
We sort of picked few names but we haven’t made up our mind yet. The list of things that we have to buy keeps on growing and none crossed off so i am a little worried but I believe that is just me freaking out. I am just glad that now I have gone to the clinic for regular check ups and that Baby A’s injection is all completed. I still need to sort my confinement arrangements and that includes the confinement lady and post natal care.
Career? I’ll just think about that next year.
Right now, just enjoying mommyhood at the fullest and prepping myself (mostly my brain) on how to be a mother of two. hahahha
For the umpteenth time, WE ARE RELOCATING.
I know, I know, we have been moving in and out like it is super easy to do. But really, it is a lottt of work and very taxing. no matter how much we hate it- somehow God just wants us to do it and i think we have shifted more than 4 times within this two years. I hate it. i truly do. Especially now that I am pregnant.
This time around, we are shifting based on a more permanent idea due to my husband’s career and I need to pray that this is for good. The next time that we move it better be our own place and not another rental. (I HATE IT SO MUCH)
After so much contemplation on this matter- I love my job but also hates it because I end up very tired after work and i gotta go home and handle my kid alone but I also love the fact that I am earning. So, I have been trying to stall the idea until one fine week, God decided to take the water supply back from our current home and that is when I can see that oh shit- I can’t do this on my own. I followed my husband back to his work and even though I skipped work, I never felt so calm and focused on my kid at that time. And then when I came back to work, boss was very concerned about how I was doing and I just feel like I have to tell this guy. So I did, and he suggested that I resigned immediately. To be honest the reason why I am sad is that the paycheck that I won’t be receiving by the end of every month. That’s it. Other than that I am relieved that I can finally be reunited with my husband and that my kids gets to see their dad everyday.
So far, the process to move out has been smooth, in fact, smoother than I thought. We manage to find a replacement for our current house, scored a good home at the new place with the owner whom we can negotiate the deposit, manage to get some discounts on our lorry. Our current landlord even wants to give us back a portion of our depo since we helped her with the replacement. This is more than enough to make me feel at ease about this decision. Initially I was worried about the money since moving out costs a lot. and this plan is so sudden we barely have time to save up for it. But Allah is the best planner. I have to believe that this is too, part of His grand plan.
Right now, I am slowly getting used to the idea that I will be a stay at home mom and spending the whole day with my kid. I need to come up with activities to keep him occupied and for me to be happy at home. I need to enjoy cooking, prepping meals, feeding my kid, teaching him new stuff. Basically enjoying motherhood and domestic issues. The biggest aim of all, I really want to be close to Him again, fix what is broken in our life and be happier muslim there. insyaAllah.
I scrolled back to my previous entries and realized how much my life has changed in the span of few months.
We were both out of job for 5 months>husband got a job in Gebeng> husband quits> I got a job> I found out I’m pregnant>husband got another job in Klang valley> we shifted to a new house closer to my workplace>Husband got relocated to a different state permanently>I have to deal with everything on my own.
and as days goes by I found out that my motivation deteriorates slowly as if It is a landslide getting worst as the rain falls down. wow. my imagination.
It is difficult trying to grasp on whatever motivation that I can muster especially knowing that I am not going to stay any longer in this company. It has been three days of working that I find myself having trouble focusing. Like I know I got things t do, but not major things. things that doesn’t excite me anymore. I am at the stage where I dont even mind not paid.
what is this shit man. where is that strong ND who doesn’t give a shit about anybody and just do whatever she thinks is good for her?
Today, I may or may not post multiple posts. just random thoughts on things. I just need to be critical about things in my life just so that I won’t be stuck in this negativity.