40+3 and The Lows

I gotta pour this one out. Hopefully it will give me a sense of relief

I am still pregnant at 40+3 weeks and I am not feeling the greatest right at this very moment.

Today, I have been emotionally weak to the point where I feel like I disappointed many people by not giving birth to this baby,yet. I got angry at my kid, I burst into tears and cried.  Like I know I should be in all positivity but today is that one particular day that I crashed and cried. I have done all the things to induce birth naturally, ate things that could make it come naturally, but to my dismay- all I got was Braxton’s.

The fact that I have my dad on standby mode here for almost a week now adds up to the pressure, and having my husband looking clueless about going to work on be on standby mode as well gives me the guilt. My mom texting me for progress on daily basis did not help either. What makes matters worst now is that I don’t have a job to distract myself and all my focus and attention goes to labor- Mind you, this alone is overwhelming. We have prepared everything for the arrival of the baby but the only thing missing is the new kid himself. Day goes by feeling longer, every single tinge of pain gives me hope that it is labor time when it’s not, every single date was thought to be the perfect date for the baby- but nope. False contraction again and again and again.

Day by day I feel like my luck has ran out and the longer I wait, the more difficult this would be. I have been asking people to pray for smooth delivery just because i feel like mine is invalid. Since we find out that baby’s size will be big, I sort of lost hope on a positive labor- doing it in one push,no tearing; suddenly the memories of the first labor came back and it was so traumatic that I blame my husband for putting me into this much pressure and discomfort. I am running low on positive thoughts to the point where I think pregnancy and childbirth is simply an unfair process biased to the women (or maybe just to me) because all the hard work falls on the mother the moment that double lines appears. From that exact moment- women (or just me) sold their life, their personal interest, their freedom to motherhood, and that is a lifetime commitment you can’t refund.

Also, all these negativity somehow tells me that I probably deserve them all because of what I have done, for not being a better muslim, better mom, better wife. The guilt game is strong at this stage. In fact- any pain, any troubles that comes from this point onwards- the only assurance that I can tell myself is that I deserve it, hence I can’t complain about it.

I honestly don’t know how much I can cope with anymore.  It’s not like I can quit now- I am so very close to the end of the line. But I know for sure I am not capable of finishing it with a positive mind anymore.





36 weeks

I’m blogging via my husband’s phone simply because:

1- I can’t sleep

2- my phone is charging

3- i tweeted a lot and decided before i pour out more there, why not here

4- i love this iphone’s smooth keypad so much it made me wanna blog mobile. (i usually use our computer to blog)


Well now I am at the last stage of pregnancy and at 36 + weeks, topics started to revolves around labor and birth plan. To be honest we talked mostly but zero execution. we havn’t wash the baby clothes, nor buy any new ones yet or the worst- pack the hospital bag. and the only thing I bought in preparation for this new baby is heavy duty mentsrual pad. i know, priorities, right?


if i have the money i would’ve bought them myself but financially everything is up to ted and his priorities is questionable now but what else can I say. all i can do now is pray that I dont have surprise labor (or least please let us pack a decent hospital bag before anything😭)


i dont really think we need to buy a whole bunch of stuff this time around but the essentials like a cot, baby diapers and ointment and nursing essentials. these, we gotta have because we don’t have any of these now. and a big fridge. but like i mentioned earlier- all we did was talk and no execution. (dont let your man plan, they will remain as plans)

physically- there is not a moment where i dont feel heavy and tired and aching all over but the best i can do now is to take things slow. heartburn came back so I guess i am back to eating plain food. I tweeted about how i forgot how it felt between stomach ache, braxton hicks or contraction and to haven to figure them out on my own is like sitting for a surprise test. trick is- if i got it wrong i may end up with a baby.  however, i am also aware that i should not be gentle with my body. this last leg of the pregnancy is all about getting myself ready for labor and staying put will not help me. at some point i gotta walk a LOT,  squat a LOT and all those she bang about natural labor inducer. the only reason why i avoid doing all those too much is because i gotta save some energy for my first kid. well, somebody has git to play with him, make food and feed him and you know change his diaper and bath and so on. if i push myself and becomes too tired, who can help me with those especially when the dad is at work?

but- i gotta give credit to my first born. He has been nothing but a supportive kid. giving kisses and hugs when i asked him to, even for his brother. didn’t throw much tantrums when he is just with me, take a nap when i asked him to especially when i told him i am tired and i need to catch a wink. I am very strict with him but he seems to understand that no one else is there to help me so i gotta listen to mommy. i hope when the baby arrives, he will feel overjoyed and ecstayic about having a new play mate! (omg i love these two so much already and the baby is not even here yet!)

i should really try to catch a quick sleep now before husband leaves for work. if not, i will not survive a day out tomorrow with my parents.

(it’s 5.14am now and im starting to feel hungry and most probably can’t sleep but welp, gotta try!)



I’ve been tweeting a lot lately and I realized that one thought can easily become a thread which is personally annoying. So, today let me just try to convert that into a blog post instead.

Last week I was scrolling through my old blogs and learnt that I was a very cheerful person, so hip and driven be in things that I do or things that I wore. I inspire to be my old self. Only current- with a child ( soon children) and a husband instead of a boyfriend back then.

For some time I realize that My life was full of self pity- like I thought I should be doing so much more instead of this life that I have chosen- being married and suddenly fallen into this loophole of motherhood. But little did I realize that this is actually what I really want to do. I always imagine my life to be more grandeur than this- a great job that pays good salary, travel to places that I want when I want, having road trips, buy things that I want, go to fancy places. And Allah has been so merciful- He actually grants everything that I wanted without even me realizing it. It hits me when we were on our way back to our previous place and passing by my workplace. then suddenly it hits me and I told my husband ” You want to know something funny? I have once prayed that one day I want to work here because simply this place looks so chic and look at where I am now” My husband can only laugh at how childish my reasoning but that moment made me realize that wow, I really got what I wanted.

Not only that I realized that but I was slapped but the cruel reality of what I wanted may not be good for me. I really want to work there and imagine that I’ll be having a city life with my own family but in wanting that I’ve lost my inner peace. I was constantly worried, unhappy and in my mind there’s always something that bugs me.

Then I moved here- to this small town, with barely a McDonald and a newly opened Subway outlet and a KFC drive-thru, finding  myself happy with the smallest thing and how my mind is very calm and peaceful. Even though I may not be able to earn my money for now, but living a simple life is just enough. I find comfort in cooking and prepping meals for my small family and occasionally spend some time with husband away from home. Before this I was stressed out with the idea of trying to earn on my own while I am here but it gave me so much pressure. So, this time I decided that i want to just live one day at a time, curb my desire to buy things and just enjoy the company of my son and husband and baby. One day if Allah say that I am ready for a career that I will embrace that. I am even open to the idea of pursuing my study. But for now, a wife and a mother are my job titles.

So no more self pity this time around. Focus on positive energy that surrounds my life. I may not have much now but I got all that I need. That is all that matters.


I woke up early today just in the mood for whipping up some breakfast ( made Glutinous rice, with coconut and sour fish- very traditional) and since the weather is so cool and everyone else is still sleeping, I decided to so some writing. But I couldn’t think of anything to write about.


It has been three weeks since we moved in to the new place and I loooooveeee how things are looking at now. Not gonna lie, I am starting to love my new role and slowly adjusting to the idea that I will be a stay at home month for at least the next 6 months. I don’t want to think much aboutnot having my own salary or money issue, because here, such things are petty, the most important thing of all is that I am safe, baby is healthy, my pregnancy is smooth until delivery and post partum care, Baby A gets to be with his dad everyday- that should be good enough.

Everyday, Ted tries his best to make the place more homely and that I am comfortable at home- we got our cable TV back so that is good enough for me- I get to watch cooking shows. We are in the process of getting our high speed internet in, which hopefully will be a game changer in our lives. (and more blogging for me please)

So far, settling down here has been good- on daily basis I cook and care for Baby A. Getting ample rest for myself. I like the fact that I am cooking a proper meal for the family and even make dessert. Day by day I realize how these all makes me feel content. (If i get some extra money for shopping my life is perfect ;))

Right now, the house, the move is settled, up on our agenda is getting ready for Baby #2.

We sort of picked few names but we haven’t made up our mind yet. The list of things that we have to buy keeps on growing and none crossed off so i am a little worried but I believe that is just me freaking out. I am just glad that now I have gone to the clinic for regular check ups and that Baby A’s injection is all completed. I still need to sort my confinement arrangements and that includes the confinement lady and post natal care.

Career? I’ll just think about that next year.

Right now, just enjoying mommyhood at the fullest and prepping myself (mostly my brain) on how to be a mother of two. hahahha



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For the umpteenth time, WE ARE RELOCATING.

I know, I know, we have been moving in and out like it is super easy to do. But really, it is a lottt of work and very taxing. no matter how much we hate it- somehow God just wants us to do it and i think we have shifted more than 4 times within this two years. I hate it. i truly do. Especially now that I am pregnant.

This time around, we are shifting based on a more permanent idea due to my husband’s career and I need to pray that this is for good. The next time that we move it better be our own place and not another rental. (I HATE IT SO MUCH)

After so much contemplation on this matter- I love my job but also hates it because I end up very tired after work and i gotta go home and handle my kid alone but I also love the fact that I am earning. So, I have been trying to stall the idea until one fine week, God decided to take the water supply back from our current home and that is when I can see that oh shit- I can’t do this on my own. I followed my husband back to his work and even though I skipped work, I never felt so calm and focused on my kid at that time. And then when I came back to work, boss was very concerned about how I was doing and I just feel like I have to tell this guy. So I did, and he suggested that I resigned immediately. To be honest the reason why I am sad is that the paycheck that I won’t be receiving by the end of every month. That’s it. Other than that I am relieved that I can finally be reunited with my husband and that my kids gets to see their dad everyday.

So far, the process to move out has been smooth, in fact, smoother than I thought. We manage to find a replacement for our current house, scored a good home at the new place with the owner whom we can negotiate the deposit, manage to get some discounts on our lorry. Our current landlord even wants to give us back a portion of our depo since we helped her with the replacement. This is more than enough to make me feel at ease about this decision. Initially I was worried about the money since moving out costs a lot. and this plan is so sudden we barely have time to save up for it. But Allah is the best planner. I have to believe that this is too, part of His grand plan.

Right now, I am slowly getting used to the idea that I will be a stay at home mom and spending the whole day with my kid.  I need to come up with activities to keep him occupied and for me to be happy at home. I need to enjoy cooking, prepping meals, feeding my kid, teaching him new stuff. Basically enjoying motherhood and domestic issues. The biggest aim of all, I really want to be close to Him again, fix what is broken in our life and be happier muslim there. insyaAllah.