I scrolled back to my previous entries and realized how much my life has changed in the span of few months.
We were both out of job for 5 months>husband got a job in Gebeng> husband quits> I got a job> I found out I’m pregnant>husband got another job in Klang valley> we shifted to a new house closer to my workplace>Husband got relocated to a different state permanently>I have to deal with everything on my own.
and as days goes by I found out that my motivation deteriorates slowly as if It is a landslide getting worst as the rain falls down. wow. my imagination.
It is difficult trying to grasp on whatever motivation that I can muster especially knowing that I am not going to stay any longer in this company. It has been three days of working that I find myself having trouble focusing. Like I know I got things t do, but not major things. things that doesn’t excite me anymore. I am at the stage where I dont even mind not paid.
what is this shit man. where is that strong ND who doesn’t give a shit about anybody and just do whatever she thinks is good for her?
Today, I may or may not post multiple posts. just random thoughts on things. I just need to be critical about things in my life just so that I won’t be stuck in this negativity.
Scrolling through my old posts in this blog, i stumbled upon my post on my second trimester with baby A. Phew, it was completely different. This time around everything is amplified- the pain, the nausea, even the lethargy. I even fainted once and I though my body is getting weaker or something but then I read Maria Elena’s blog where she shared her experience with her second born pregnancy. She had the same thing- reduced blood flow to the brain that could cause you to faint. Only that she didn’t. So, I’m assuming that I am normal. still normal.
This time, pregnancy wise, I keep telling myself to take things slow. even with the active baby A, i have to tell him to take it slow. At work, i gotta remind myself to take things slow so that I won’t hyperventilates and panic. Because I am alone, I could not take the risk of being tired or having zero energy by the time I get home. I have to make sure that at least I can still do some more things by the time I’m home. I have to play with A and make sure that all his necessities are well taken care of.
Emotionally now has been a roller coaster, and it takes a lot of mind control to not be overwhelmed by all that is happening in my life and all that I have to bear. I admit, I do talk to friends about it but that doesn’t mean that I am complaining- mostly I am just venting. hahahahaha
ooh its almost time to go back.
” God gave you trials and tribulations because God also give you the strength to go through it. So hold on to Him and just trust Him”
To me what seems to be a beautiful quote and fitting to my circumstances right now. Something that sort of tells me that “Hey, dont worry- You can do this. Because you know what- He got your back”
Most of the things that has happened or will happen- every time I think about them- I would most probably be negative about the ability to do it but somehow, I did and here I am- alive.
I don’t know how i survived a three-day labor pain stuck in the hospital and giving birth to a whopping 4 kg baby.
I don’t know how we survived 5 months of unemployment with a kid to raise up.
I don’t know how i will be able to survive this long-distance marriage while being pregnant and having to deal with a toddler all on my own…
but I believe that God is behind me in all of these and there is a reason to every bit of it and from Him I find strength to just….redah man.
My brain can’t seem to get the hang on work today even though I have been trying to read work-related stuff. So, I am going to list down things that I need for the new baby. Just to get my mind going for a bit. Then get back to work.
So there are a few sections that I have to think/plan of:
(after i typed that I went out for lunch with colleagues and had good korean food)
Ok, there are a few part about the prep. these parts may not be applicable for other parents since these are based on what we have prepared for our first born. ( I may edit this post until my nesting period. I keep on forgetting things)
- Post-partum Care Box(Mommy)
- Post Partum Care Box(Baby)
- Hospital Bag
- Baby Essentials at Home
So, lets begin.
- Postpartum Care Box for Mommy
- Sanitary pads Overnight
- disposable cotton panties
- Postpartum care-pills etc especially that poop pill!
2. Postpartum Care Box for baby
- Hand sanitizer
- new born diapers
- cotton wipes
- wet wipes (lots of it)
- ointment- Yuyee, Telon
3. Hospital Bag (please pack separately for mommy and baby
- Disposable cotton panties
- Overnight Sanitary Pads
- Shower Kit ( please include comb, hairband and deodorant)
- Discharge Outfit (iron-less, breast feeding friendly, match hijab)
- Kain Batik
- For baby: two sets of outfits, swaddle, wet wipes, diapers, hat,socks and mittens.
4. Baby and Mommy Essentials at Home
- Baby cot for safety reasons
- Breast pump and milk collector
- Milk bottles for baby (2 or 3)
- Steamer (consider)
- Bath basin
So I was scrolling pinterest for some ideas on my next workstation at home.
You read that right. ok a little recap of what I have to deal with now.
- I am currently pregnant and I think I am going through my 5th month ( I have no idea how many weeks because check ups have been out of considerations for this baby and all \i can do is pray that he is well and healthy inside)
- Husband is now working in a different state and and I am left to deal with the house and toddler alone.
- I am also working now.
- I have fainted once due to lethargy.
- I rarely cook now because I barely have any energy left once I got back home. And went to bed as early as 9 nowadays.
- Living my daily life counting days to friday because husband will be back then.
so that is about it. I am happy at my workplace- i get to earn, I get to socialize, my colleagues are not crazy people like last time. The only complaint that I have for this job is that have to sometimes leave the office for field work. Which i despise the most because simple – I GOT NO ENERGY. ( This baby sucks out the energy in me like no one else and phew,I just hope it grows well, never mind me being tired whatsoever,as long as you’re doing good inside it’s okay)
Then, Life took an unexpected turn. Husband finally got a permanent job at a very stable company but the trick here is that it is in a different state. Which leaves me here ( an hour and half away alone with a toddler, and pregnant. Oh and working). Initially I thought we can do this, until I got too tired and fainted. And then I realized that what is the point of staying here when my husband is away and what exactly am I doing in this state? At some point, i hated myself for being too positive about what is happening in my life right now because in the end I am the only one having to deal with the hardship.
So we discussed about the possibility of building our lives back in the previous state. I have mixed feelings about this.
- I am happy because I get to live with my husband again and that my kid(s) will be a able to see their dad everyday.
- The last time I lived there I am better spiritually so yes, I definitely look forward to that.
- The fact that I get to focus on my kid and not having to report or contemplate between my job or my kid is just a mental freedom. This would be very very important when the new baby arrives.
- I hate the fact that I might not be able to earn anymore. Earning gives me a sense of freedom- to help my husband, to do things I want or simply buy things I want. When I became independent to my husband- at some point you’ll feel like it is easy because all you have to do is ask your husband if you want to buy anything. But to a certain extent- you just want to earn on your own.
- I really like the current house that we live in now. It is complete to the point where I don’t have to think about buying other things for the house. Shifting ( for one last time) may not gave me the same feeling as most houses in the state would probably be not-furnished.
Can we just fast forward to the time where I can be at peace with all these thoughts and my husband stays with us, i get to cook for him everyday, play with my kids without guilt. and earn my own money!
All these thoughts are slowly killing my modjo. Like what exactly does God wants me to do? my mom always told me that a wife’s place is always by her husband. But she also told me to find a replacement job before shifting. The thing is:
- I can only quit after my maternity leave next year
- husband told me that I can only look for a job after the second baby is around 7 months.
So, what do I do now?
All I can think of now is…
- be pregnant and healthy until mid December- then take unpaid leave for nesting period.
- Survive the fact that husband will not be able to be there for me all the time.
- I have so far figured out the laundry and the trash schedule without having to drain my energy on daily basis.
- I HAVE TO figure out the cooking part because buying meals is EXPENSIVE!
Seriously man, if it wasn’t because of the money I would have quit this moment and go stay with my husband instead of going through all these hassle. it is soooo freakin’ tiring. I cannot say that enough. so back to why I was scrolling the office pictures? because I need to have my own space at the new place where I can probably set up the computer nicely, blog just to keep me sane. Things like that.
I want to make a list of baby stuff that I need for the new baby but as soon as I want to do it my mind got distracted by some other thoughts. Is this the universe trying to tell me that it’s not time?