Only day two on the job and I am already tired. but Still okay. ha ha

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Starting Over Again at 31

In about a  few more hours time I will be getting up and get myself ready for w.o.r.k. Yes, Work. This time it is not some company and it is not something temporary.  There are so many things that I have put on the line for this job and most important is my kids. To date- we have not secured any nanny for them and I can’t even think right. Kudos to my husband for being so calm by playing games all day long and there I was running around the house like a mad person trying to get shit done but a nanny is no where near them.

To be honest, starting this job this time felt completely different. Because this time there is no longer the pressure of my paycheck being the main money maker, no more pressure of my money will not last a month, no more pressure of not making it and not being able to even buy things that I want. We are doing okay now with my husband as the solo breadwinner and he does get food on the table( even though he rarely checks on what’s in the fridge until it is too late) and get the bills paid (sometimes late but i hope he has a system) plus buying stuff for us. I really hope that with me working he would not slack off and that would still give me money and  buy things for the kids regardless. He has that potential of slacking off whenever things are in his favor and i really hate it when that happens. This time working means me being able to do things I want like go on a vacay together, buy random things whenever and save up for my dream house. But really, it takes two to tango and  honestly I am not quiet sure how he thinks on this coz well, he is on the phone playing games most of the time. I quit trying to communicate lately because it is really pointless. like yesterday how he belittle my dream to owning a macbook like finally saying that there are better laptop with cheaper price tag that I can get. So what if I want it nevertheless? I could be wearing a cheap handbag but there are far more expensive ones too in the market which functions less or same and yet I still want them. Can’t I have what I want if they are the nicer things in life? I never argued his dream to have a PS4 ( which he rarely use btw) and this laptop I will be using it daily for work- wtf?!

 

Anyways- it is kind of pointless arguing with someone who doesn’t even look in your eyes and really- i am just so sick of that. keep playing your games- I am living my life with kids. It’s not like you are going to surprise me with a trip to korea or shit like that. pfff

to be honest i am fine with not working because i curb most of my desires inside and not pressuring my husband for things that i deem not as important as food on the table. But when this opportunity came- I have to let go of many comfort and it also means that I get to pay my own debts since i don’t have a husband that can do that. So, i need to gather my own version of motivation and the number on the pay check is sadly not one of the things i can control or demand. Instead- motivating myself with things that could excite me keeps me feeling excited for work. Even if it is an overpriced laptop that does so many little things compared to others, or a trip that i have no clue will become a reality or not.

I just hope that my husband, above anyone, can support me through and through no matter how silly my dreams are instead of criticising or belittling them.

 

I’d love to start over in high spirit but thanks to his self centred thoughts- I wish i dont even have to start this journey at all.

 

 

gnite.

 

 

I find myself feeling excited almost every time i think of going back to work. Even though it will be tiring it will be exhausting- but I can see excitement. Most probably because of the pay check and stability but heh- that’s a motivation too isn’t it?

home office

source: pinterest.

So with the thought of me going back to work and has kept me sleepless these past few night, tonight I am focusing my sleepless thoughts to home office. Even though I am pretty firm with no work at home policy this time because now I have kids, it doesn’t stop me to at least have a spot i can call my own. Not to spend most of my time there but to get ready for work and to look into to do list for next day. Mostly for planning and strategizing. After scrolling heaps of oictures on pinterest, I find that I am drawn to a fixed concept- white ikea minimalist.

1) why white?

-easier for me to make sure that it is always spotless clean. And white goes with any wall color in any house.

2) ikea?

-cheap. and clean cuts. although not very accessible but we’ve done it before.

3) minimalist?

– i have kids. and a messy husband. minimalist is the easiest for me to clean up.

okay- that’s the concept- now on to key essential items that I must have:

a) a white study.

b) a shelves for my book and probably handbags coz i dont exactly have a place to store them nor the handbags yet to put but i got a feeling that i would be.

c) carpet probably fuzzy. just because.

d) a swirling chair in not black. because it is my spot and i want it to be girly and feminine not everyone can sit and claim that it’s theirs.

e) a reading light. i will most probably be doing some work when kids are asleep so reading light is a must.

f) some simple decor from kaison ie a frame of us four, a small key plate for well, keys. maybe a pot of rosemary(coz they smell good and pretty)

this is the closest to what seems to be practical and doable for me. except the wall may be yellow. i have a spot that has white walls and ample sunlight during the day but no power source and super hot. it is also so so open from my living hall so we’ll decide later. like i said since it is all white it can go anywhere. also, I may replace the frames on the wall with mirror. i need a clear perspective not some cactus in front of me.

oooh I can imagine it all now getting together. now, i just need the money. coz there is no way im putting this on my husband’s tab. he is already sponsoring half of my new shiny laptop. lol

So words are out- I got the job. But the tricky part is the placement is yet to be announced and with that I can’t say I am very happy with the result.

It is a window of opportunity for so many things but for now don’t brush it on my face telling me even if it is somewhere far, just do it for the sake of my family.

I just hope for Allah’s mercy and keep your opinions to yourself. There is just so many things on the line and I am the one going through it all especially with my kids. So don’t come to me and say that this is good for my kids until I am sure of where I will be placed.

20 minutes to go

In about 20 minutes or so I will find out the result of my recent interview and my life could either change or remains the same. This job is like my last chance to go back to work as my agenis catching up and the market doesn’t quiet fancy moms and of certain age.

But also what may come with the job should i got it is the placement- I can’t really chose and basically stuck at the same place for at least 3 years. So, yes, a lot is on the line with me and my family.

In this 20 minutes i thought i’d like to write how i feel and what exactly do i think.

today i woke up praying to Allah to give me mercy and that teach my heart to accept whatever may come. I am scared to feel positive because i know for a fact that i have zero control over the placement and the fact that everything I leave it all up to Him. be remindful of how bad i want a job and no matter what- gratefull is the first thing i should feel. i shall go and pick up akhdan then come home and check the result. Hopefully, all is well.

xoxo