Mood: End of Year Vibe

apartment chair clean contemporary

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white smartphone beside silver laptop computer

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three white ceramic pots with green leaf plants near open notebook with click pen on top

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Drawing towards the end of year, 2019 is still a bitch towards my weight goal. hahahaha who am I joking. That department will not change until I do some major changes into my daily diet as well as my workout routine. To be honest, I am still a bit unsure of what my daily routine, still figuring out how to include exercising and waking up to prep my food for work. Also think that I need to prep well if I want to change my diet into a healthier option, we’ll get to that soon. Hopefully December.

November is a month of unpredictable occurances. We got surprised by the news of how our own family member decided to backlash us in front of everyone for his sake, also went back to our hometown for a really short visit before my husband decided to surprise me with a few handbags  that I have always wanted. Those are some of the things that has happened few weeks ago but the best news of all is that we are getting a new car! Not like we decided, but it actually got approved and with the last 1 k stretch that we have to dig out to pay for the upfront- it is finally happening! Not the car that I thought we will be driving anytime soon but I have to believe that it is a part of Allah’s grand plan for something better. I can only be positive of such news even though it scares the living shit out of me but I have to believe that with this, better opportunities are yet to come.

In a bout a few weeks, I will be off work and it’s just family time and then planning time before 2020 commence. Lots of planning ahead and hopefully I can project everything well.

End of year mood is just here and I am not all against it. I mean, look at all the tones in the photos.  Also, I am secretly hoping for a new handphone by next year *cough* husband*cough*

 

xoxo

 

Make Your Parents Happy, They Say…

old couple walking while holding hands

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I got a minute and sudden thoughts came.

 

When I was younger, I was told to do just whatever my parents asked me to do and my young rebellious self couldn’t quiet process that asking “Why should I?” or “Why can’t I choose whatever I want to do?”

So I went about my younger life and just do whatever I feel like achieving. I rejected a teaching post thinking that I am better suited in a higher institution and moved halfway across the peninsular thinking I am such a city girl. What ever I decided to do, they were never about my parents. They were all just about me doing what I love. My parents were sort of forced to just accept on whatever I have preliminarily decided. Not that they were not okay with everything, but yeah, like I said, forced to accept as long as I am doing okay.

Now, fast forward to 6 years later, when I finally had enough of dreams to achieve, I said to Allah, I just want my mom and dad to feel at ease. Give me anything, as long as they like it. I even ask them to make the du’a in the Holy Land when they went there to perform Hajj. I leave it up to them to pray for whatever that is good for us. My mom especially tried her very best to make it and I feel like it is my obligation to work towards that. That is why when I broke the news that I got this teaching post she broke into tears and sent me a selfie while doing that ( drama, I know) because, our du’a sort of aligned. With me doing well in this job and to my surprise- enjoying this job- makes her happy and I feel like we are connected more than ever.

So, when I saw a post on the internet this morning about how making your parents happy is basically the ultimate goal for us kids- it is not because they know the best but simply they are the key to what makes Us happy. Not the car, the house, the money, the grandkids but them- whatever that makes them happy makes us happy ultimately.

there you go. I’ve said it. Boom.

I got a minute while waiting for my husband to dress the kids and we can eat brunch together.

Alhamdulillah ya Allah for this serenity. for these blessings that you are showering us, for the contentment in our hearts with our kids and our jobs, our parents and our families. Alhamdulillah for the roof over our head, the food on our table that we get to pick, the clothes on our backs that we can be in so comfortably, the car that gets us anywhere that we wished to go to. Alhamdulillah for our health.

Thankful List

person holding red popcorn box

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photo of person s hands

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business camera communication computer

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green leafed plant near photo frame

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yesterday, as I finished my shower in my small toilet; getting dressed I looked around me and all that I see are things that makes me feel content. On my dresser there’s a popcorn that I like just waiting for me to indulge every once in a while. They are not available from where I live now but or recent trip allows me to purchase some and have at home. On our bed there lay my husband and kids just lazing around after a whole day being out  from work and nannies. Kids were playing with their toys recent off the market and husband is playing an online game on his pretty recent phone. I took a glance at my skincare (now that I can afford one) and realised the fact that they are from a good ranges makes my heart flutters in shame- because once I couldn’t even bother about having some because money ought to be spend on what matters more. I look at my bag that my husband gave me and I realised how far we have come to this stage where we can buy not just things but good things. We don’t go overboard but we do indulge a little bit on what we wanted before but set aside and now that we could buy it without guilt. The fact that we both have a stable job now makes me realise the 5 months of suffering and stress is all worth it, the miscarriage that brings me my second child is a blessing, the distance with my parents makes fonder, and I just can’y stop but pray that All will shower us with abundance of rezq forward. Alhamdulillah for every tests, every pressure and every rezq, Ya Rabb.

Thoughts on Cheating Partner

photo of cat lying down on floor near blue wall

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You say your vows, promised each other good future and go ahead living your life together thinking that you both equally plays the same part. Until one decided to do the exact opposite. I cannot digest the thoughts of a cheating partner whether it’s with another woman, another man or another thing- cheating is basically doing injustice to your other half- and it doesn’t really matter whether it is person or another agenda. It is unruly to have a partner that just coexist and do nothing else other than that. Perhaps it is easier when it is another person but when it is another agenda- cheating because you’re too busy at work, socialising with colleagues or simply playing games – it is a revoke towards the mutual trust that you both agreed and promised each other at the beginning of the marriage.

It doesn’t mean that when it is not a person that has caused the distance- it is any less wrong. The whole concept of a marriage or a relationship is that you can spend your days and thoughts with each other and if the two of you simply exist in the same spectrum but didn’t quite relate- then how different are you than the passers by?

Having a partner myself reminds me of the same idea over and over again- that I should put myself forwards to him and only him- none other. I was once approached by an old crush who had grown up into very fine young man but in dire need of affection that he did not get from his wife. I was sane enough to shoo him away to his wife than falling into the cheating trap. I was only sticking to my partner and respected him in any ways possible. and then it daunted me- what if the effort is just on my end and not his?

Sudden change on behaviour and decisions are also triggers that irks me the most and this is what causes suspicions. I have to say that it is very unhealthy to a relationship. From an unresolved arguments- leads to unsettled issue and then it became too awkward to hold hands. These leads to suspicions and distrust. at some point I just stop trying to make amends and just leave things be.

Why does making things better always has to be an effort from the woman and not then man? Why can’t they start it first- say sorry first ( and saying sorry like you mean it not just for the sake of ending the argument or worst for the purpose of mocking), give flowers first, give presents first, make peace first, kiss first.  Why doesn’t anything affectionate must come from the woman first?

So what do we do when things has come to this point? Do we remain silent and not think about it? or talk about it and make a scene out of it? or just go on with your life as if nothing happened? ( in my case it’s ab it tricky because I have my sil living with us so drama are really not suitable for public affairs)

I just hated the fact that my partner always takes thing so lightly especially when I am not too happy with what he decided. And the fact that he ignored the sulking that I was going through as if it wasn’t his fault. ( like hello, you’re the only reason im sulking- fix it!) He has this idea that somehow letting thing go or be would make it better or go away when in fact it is actually making things worst- I tend to think less of him, making my heart like him less and making me see less of his good side. In Malay words- failed miserably at ambit hati isteri sendiri.

I just wished that he realised that all his actions towards his wife is actually pahala  and that Allah shows mercy to husbands who does that a lot. Rather than playing his stupid games that doesn’t;t quiet earn him any points- letting his wife sulk is the worst thing he is doing in a marriage. That every single thoughts that he has on his wife is pahala rather than spending so much time a games and friends. That every single smile, words and actions upon his wife is blessed by Allah rather than spending so much time with friends that doesn’t quiet benefit him here or the hereafter.

is he a bad partner? well, partially yes. He is a great brother and father but a lousy husband. I just wished sometimes that his late dad would still be alive and advice him on this. But nope, I don’t have that card. Everyday I can feel that I love him less, as much as I want to be more, and day by day I feel like we are mere roommates and not soulmates. Some part of me actually feel like I am in a training that one day I may not have him by my side and that Allah wants me to know that I will be okay if not better that way. I don’t know. Is it because too much intervention with his side of the family- maybe. But that is not up to me to say. I just wished that he is more focus on me and kids rather than anything else. that he put more effort in me and kids than anything else.

Somehow I feel like I am living with a cheating partner.