I gotta pour this one out. Hopefully it will give me a sense of relief
I am still pregnant at 40+3 weeks and I am not feeling the greatest right at this very moment.
Today, I have been emotionally weak to the point where I feel like I disappointed many people by not giving birth to this baby,yet. I got angry at my kid, I burst into tears and cried. Like I know I should be in all positivity but today is that one particular day that I crashed and cried. I have done all the things to induce birth naturally, ate things that could make it come naturally, but to my dismay- all I got was Braxton’s.
The fact that I have my dad on standby mode here for almost a week now adds up to the pressure, and having my husband looking clueless about going to work on be on standby mode as well gives me the guilt. My mom texting me for progress on daily basis did not help either. What makes matters worst now is that I don’t have a job to distract myself and all my focus and attention goes to labor- Mind you, this alone is overwhelming. We have prepared everything for the arrival of the baby but the only thing missing is the new kid himself. Day goes by feeling longer, every single tinge of pain gives me hope that it is labor time when it’s not, every single date was thought to be the perfect date for the baby- but nope. False contraction again and again and again.
Day by day I feel like my luck has ran out and the longer I wait, the more difficult this would be. I have been asking people to pray for smooth delivery just because i feel like mine is invalid. Since we find out that baby’s size will be big, I sort of lost hope on a positive labor- doing it in one push,no tearing; suddenly the memories of the first labor came back and it was so traumatic that I blame my husband for putting me into this much pressure and discomfort. I am running low on positive thoughts to the point where I think pregnancy and childbirth is simply an unfair process biased to the women (or maybe just to me) because all the hard work falls on the mother the moment that double lines appears. From that exact moment- women (or just me) sold their life, their personal interest, their freedom to motherhood, and that is a lifetime commitment you can’t refund.
Also, all these negativity somehow tells me that I probably deserve them all because of what I have done, for not being a better muslim, better mom, better wife. The guilt game is strong at this stage. In fact- any pain, any troubles that comes from this point onwards- the only assurance that I can tell myself is that I deserve it, hence I can’t complain about it.
I honestly don’t know how much I can cope with anymore. It’s not like I can quit now- I am so very close to the end of the line. But I know for sure I am not capable of finishing it with a positive mind anymore.